


Illusion

by deird1



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Gen, season: b7
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-11-15
Updated: 2009-11-15
Packaged: 2017-10-02 19:46:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,351
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deird1/pseuds/deird1
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spike is going mad...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Illusion

**Illusion**

Mad mad William is mad  
entirely gone to the fairies with nothing left standing, poor boy poor poor William is going going gone to ground underground is hiding - can I hide? or will they find me? hiding hiding in the dark, all alone in the dark it's gone the light is gone but here here here inside mixed in, there's nothing left but up and down and some way to tell the two apart  
apart  
not apart any longer  
it's all been pushed together, screaming all the screaming screaming sobbing crying oh please God make it stop  
Stop!  
_Someone's been a bad, bad boy._  
No.  
No. Not me.  
It couldn't have been, but it was, it was, oh please, I can't stay here. Tell me it isn't true.  
Not today, me, now, ever, what have I become?

Darla smiled. "So innocent still, my darling child. When will you ever understand?" She stood, and walked slowly across the basement, reciting: "The vampire is a noble creature, capable of much love. And _much_ more interesting evil. He is inventive, cruel, malicious, exciting… and really in need of a new hairstyle. Don't you ever _look_ in a mirror?"

Aren't you dead? I thought you were. Of course, dead, you're dead, we're all dead, but dust and dead aren't all wrapped up tight anymore. Wrapped up, wrapped up just like Christmas. Such very pretty trees, and lights! and laughter, turkey, carols, what is the matter with me?  
Get a grip, moron.

He sits, head in hands, and rocks - barely noticing the water dripping onto the floor from a busted pipe.  
It's not all that important, really, just a few drips. Dripping away, they drip, drip, drip drips are dropping til the water fills up everywhere, everything, flooding us out, and there's-  
No.  
Facts.  
He moves away from the puddle, muttering.

Dark. Night. No - basement. Underneath. Hiding. Wrong. Bad. Vampire. Bad vampire. No biscuit. Bad. Evil. _Different_. Different from the others. New. Spark. Engine. Girl. Plan. Girl. Different. New. Plan. Spark. Plan. Girl.  
_Does he really think she'll forgive him?_  
Well, that was the whole point, wasn't it? The reason, the reason why, she was always the reason. The very- the most- the only- the loveliest- and he will always love her. Except he hadn't he didn't he couldn't it all flew away and all there was left is hurt and hate and nothing! nothing to do, nothing left he did it destroyed her all to nothing to death destruction and betrayal and his fault always his fault

"You really are an idiot." Angel was leaning against the wall, arms folded, and that same infuriating smirk on his face. "You really thought you could change? Fix it all, create a new Spike for the new millennium, and maybe she'd actually love you? In your dreams."

Dreams. So many dreams. Dreams, hopes, ambitions, all together. Built up in a pile, so nice, so beautiful. But they never stay. They all come tumbling down. They break. They fall and break like china, china, can't speak chinese, Slayer, sorry. Have to kill you instead - and Angel's still talking. Why's he talking? time to listen.  
Spike looks up and yes, Angel's still there.

"Truth is, Spikey, you're exactly what you've always been. A monster. I ought to know - after all, I made you. You're mine."

I'm mine? No, yours, _his_ \- third person, singular, possessive, that's the way. His, hers, its, no apostrophe, that means it is as in it is a cat or it is a fireplace or it is a monstrous vampire crouching in a basement with blood all over his hands blood everywhere so much blood  
_Tastes delicious, doesn't it? Blood is life…_  
No! No, I can't. I won't. Not anymore, I'm different, I'm going to be new.

"Oh, baby, no. You don't get to _choose_ \- you don't get to change." She knelt down in front of him, and it was her, Red's girlfriend. "You're evil, disgusting, repellent…" She smiled, and continued gently, "It's okay, I don't mind. After all, it's not your fault."

Not my fault. No-one's fault. Poor Spike is all alone and faultless, little, lost, innocent… no. Innocence is pure, good, shining, and entirely the wrong concept  
wrong as anything ever was  
all of it so wrong  
and she's not really here  
she's trying to trick me  
_That makes no sense. How can she trick you if she's not here?_  
Somehow.

He shuts his eyes tightly so that he can't see, and crouches in the corner, banging his head against the wall in the hope that she'll stop being there.

Not real, nothing - all of it, so much nothing, nothing but  
violence  
betrayal  
pain torture death laughter glee  
oh God what have I _done_?  
I can't  
I did  
If  
Or  
I could be more  
I could choose

"Well, yes, you could." Tara's voice, soft and sweet, kept talking so beguilingly. "You could choose to _die_ \- that might work. It's always an option. But really, why would you?"

Poor William. Poor, poor William. Poor…

"The fact is, evil is _fun_. Violence is fun." Her face rippled and became… a man. From Boston or somewhere else, he'd never got his name. "Admit it - didn't you have fun ripping my throat out?" His eyes were so near. "Remember my smell - my taste? You enjoyed that kill so much. And part of you _still does_."

the grab, the snapping bones, the screams, the fear, the wonderful stinking fear, the thrill, the rush, better than the rides at Disneyland with the rollercoasters and the singing dolls and the spinning cups spinning spinning cups spinning round and round and round

"Pain. Anger. Violence. Hate. It's _everything_ …which is good, because it's all you get." He laughed, and moved away.

Upside down.  
It's all back to front, inside out, and I _enjoyed_ it.  
No. Not this. _Please_. Why am I…

"Oh, Spike. You're pathetic."

He looks up - and Joyce was standing there, looking disappointed.  
She shook her head. "You keep running around trying so _hard_, and all the time avoiding the real question. And it's all so simple, when you get right down to it."

_Wow, he's really got a thing about mothers, doesn't he?_

Yes. Simple. So very simple. Good and evil - pick a side. Eeny, meeny, miney…

"It's easier than that." A little girl was sitting on a pipe nearby, swinging her legs back and forth. She grinned at him. "Easy-peasy. You're evil. And that's that."

I'm evil. And that's that. Evil evil evil evil evil  
What? No. That's not - is it?  
…and what do they mean I've got a thing about mothers?  
evil evil evilly evil evillest

"You can't _help_ it. What you are is what you ever will be. It's out of your control."

No. No, that's-  
I didn't-  
That was _before_, when up and down meant the same thing, before it-  
I _took_ control. I changed it. I made it all-

"No, silly." She smirked at him, and started walking over, tauntingly. He just watches. "You didn't _change_ anything. You can't. You have _no_ power."

But I changed. I became

"You're silly, and weak…"

I won.

"…and feeble, and small…"

I was new.

"…and quite ridiculous…"

Her eyes - so taunting and cruel.  
Her skin, so white and fresh.  
her neck so appealing

"…you're nothing. Not anymore."

she's lying! lying wrong lying I can I did I will I have power

"You?" She laughed. "You don't even have the power to hurt me. Can't kill anymore."

can

"Can't hurt anymore."

did

"Can't drink anymore."

will

"You can't do anything."

CAN!

FangsAngerHunger He snarls and grabs her to crush and kill and feed and DESTROY HE CAN HE WILL HE _IS_

…she melts away.  
Nothing. Nothing there. Nothing at all.

And he…

He almost…

_You were going to kill her._

oh God

Angel raised an eyebrow. "See? The same old Spike. You never learn."

never-ever-ever… but no! I must! I will.  
I will become something more.  
I will be what she needs.

I will be what I should be.

Buffy laughed at him. "No," she said. "You won't."


End file.
